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Monkey on my back

January 24th, 2007 by Wen

It’s memo time again kids.

To: People who write me asking me to post more

Fr: The chick who has two blogs, a full time job, and a life

RE: Ways to annoy me

Dear ~~Annoying Blog Commenter~~ Gentle Reader,
So? Hi. Thanks for reading my blog. It’s very flattering that you like my writing so much. So flattering that I am going to ask you to do me a favor… Could you please take your comments asking me to post more and ~~shove them up your extremely annoying and obviously unused asshole~~ keep them to yourself?

See, here’s the thing… I have a job. A pretty demanding job where I have to deal with ~~monkeyfuckers~~ ~~comedians~~ ~~actors~~ monkeyfuckers all day long. The job isn’t requiring 80+ hours a week like last year, but it much more taxing on my creativity. Which means that I am having a harder time coming up with the “funny” to post to my blog(s). I like to tell people that I have great big thoughts, it’s just really hard to get them out the little tiny door in my brain.

I also have a hobby that takes up quite a bit of my time. I really love my hobby, so much so that I created a second blog devoted to it. I post there mostly about my hobby and somewhat about my life. I post there mostly now, to be honest.

That’s where you come in. You found my blog somehow, most likely by my appearance on another very famous blog, and took to heart my flippant suggestion to get your own damn blog. And you did. Good for you! You’re a new blogger now, you go!

While you’re going you might want to try and find blog commenter etiquette. Because twice in as many weeks you have commented on my blog that you want me to post more. And twice in as many weeks I have restrained myself from writing you back and telling you to get a fucking life. There’s nothing like sitting groggily down at the computer, barely awake, coffee in hand and finding some jackass comment in your email telling you to entertain them. The only person who is allowed to ask me to entertain them is my boyfriend, and he’s usually naked when that happens.

Which brings me to the long and windy point of this memo: I blog for me. And only for me. I am aware that other people read what I write, but writing isn’t my job. More specifically, writing to entertain you is not my job. Stop asking. It makes me cranky and then I don’t want to write at all, because I am totally stubborn like that. And petty.

~~I’m not your damn monkey, fucker~~. Anyway, thanks for being such a fan!

Love ya! Mean it!

Posted in Drawer of mystery | 3 Comments »

Go vote!

December 23rd, 2006 by Wen

So, Incredipete is having his yearly give away of a blog plus hosting. I nominated my brother Michael, who after he found my blog, indicated that he want to start writing one.

I really want him to win, people. And I need your help. The contest ends tomorrow 12-24-2006 CST.

Vote for Michael here. Scroll down about 2/3 of the page, the button is on the right hand side.

I’m having a contest on slowknitter for a yarn giveaway for voting for him. If you’re into that you can go there and leave a note in my comments to be entered to win some yarn.

Thanks everyone! You are awesome.

Posted in Drawer of mystery, Family Matters | No Comments »

One phone call

December 18th, 2006 by Wen

Life sometimes changes with one phone call. When the words come over the line that marks time from that moment forward.

Other phone calls are equally life changing. At the time, though, you simply don’t know that your life is going to change forever with that one phone call. You have no idea that one simple phone call will open the door to a world more beautiful, more full, more real than the one you live in now.

One phone call.

It leads to an evening of talking, of opening yourself to possibility. It leads to a kiss.

And a second phone call. A second date. And the idea that you might really like this guy.

Another phone call, this time from farther away.

And you stand in the driveway, closing the phone as you say good night. You stand there on a cold Christmas night listening to the snow as it starts to fall. Every year since you’ve been on your own you’ve stood outside alone on Christmas Eve listening to a peaceful silence. This year you say thank you. And you make a wish.

Another call and the dawn of a new year. You’re fighting now. A cold and your fear. You’re not sure if your Christmas wish is going to come true after all.

More calls. More kindnesses. Almost always there is laughter in those calls.

Months pass, and everyday a call comes. Even if you’ve seen him just a few hours before.

You’re together now in an elevator. And you very quietly say “I Love You”. It slipped out. You didn’t mean to say it, but you did. He didn’t hear you, or he’s pretending he didn’t hear you. Either way you feel like you dodged a bullet.

But.

You meant it.

More calls. This time from farther away. You meet somewhere beautiful and hot. He’s tired, but he’s always happy to see you. And you miss him when you go home.

You call everyday.

Somewhere in between all those calls you realize you’re changing. Lines you drew in the sand have disappeared. So many of the walls you’ve built to protect yourself have slipped away. Rather than fight you just change your mind. You’re beginning to see the whole rather than just your part in it.

A year has passed. It’s the hardest year for you yet. It’s also the happiest. A card comes with the words you’ve been wanting to hear. And then he says it to you. You knew he felt that way. But now. Now you really know.

Another late silent Christmas Eve. You’re outside again, alone in your little ritual. He’s coming in a few days. You are happy.

More phone calls. You can talk on the phone like you talk in person. Hours can go by just laughing. He’s only eight miles away, but you still want to hear his voice before you go to sleep.

Your job doesn’t let you spend as much time with him as you would like. The day it ends he gets a phone call that will take him away for a few months. It’s always that way.

Your calls to each other describe the days. You meet again somewhere beautiful and hot. You miss him more this time.

He’s home now and you’re back at work. The hours aren’t as brutal. You still spend hours on the phone talking. And laughing.

Another call comes and he’s gone again, this time to some place cold. He calls every afternoon, after he’s woken up from a hard night of work. Those calls are the highlight of your day. You make him some things to keep his head and hands warm. And his heart.

You have more time to think between those phone calls.

You realize that you have become softer now, more vulnerable. Your life went in a new direction. Your capacity to give, to forgive, to laugh, to share your dreams and your fears has grown in ways you never imagined. You have become a better person by falling in love with him.

This Christmas Eve will be different. As you stand outside in the cold and quiet night you will again listen to the silence. And you will again say thank you. The difference is this year there won’t be wishes.

Instead, you will go inside where it’s warm and bright. He’s waiting there for you to come to bed. You will step inside and turn off the lights. You will curl up beside him and snuggle into the warmth and comfort of this man, and you will know.

You will know that picking up the phone that day led you to what you had been looking for all along.

You won’t need to make any more wishes. He is already here.

Posted in Drawer of mystery | 2 Comments »

I love this man

December 12th, 2006 by Wen

“I can’t believe your mom found your knitting blog”

“Yeah. And she found it while I was one the phone with her. Thankfully I deleted the link to Hairburner before she could see it.”

“Your mom is so nosy”

“You’re telling me. That lady has been finding and reading my diaries since I was old enough to write in one.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Well, I went on my site statistics while she was on there and recorded her IP address. Then I told her to get off the site because her Christmas present was on there.”

“Did she get off the site?”

“No, but she said she did. Then I told her that I could see that she was still on and that my site meter would tell me when she visited. I also told her I was going to ban her IP address so she couldn’t get on”

“She lied to you?”

“Yeah, but I lied to her too. I’m not going to ban her.”

“I think it says something that both of our mothers have some boundary issues”

“You think?”

“Yeah, but if we put the two of them in a locked room my money’s on your mom”

“You can’t bet against your own mother!”

“No seriously. Your mom would have my mom crying in less than three minutes.”

“I agree. But you still can’t bet against your own mom!”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m reserving the right to bet on my own mother. We can’t both bet on her to make your mom cry.”

“I’m going to hell.”

“I know baby. I’m saving you a seat.”

Posted in Funny things the boy said | 1 Comment »

It’s the toast bunfilled time of the ear

December 4th, 2006 by Wen

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and Christmas is around the corner. And you know what that means, don’t you? Yes. The buying of presents for family and a few friends. I got pretty much everyone done except for my dad, who is nearly 80 and neither wants nor needs anything. I call my mom for advice.

Me: Hey Mom, I’m calling about Dad’s Xmas present.

Mom: I thought you were buying him the watch he wanted. (A 15 dollar Casio digital watch to replace the one that died after 20 years of service.)

Me: I did, and it’s on the way to your house. But that’s going to be from J. What else does he want?

Mom: He told me he wants a new wallet. His old one is falling apart.

Me: He told you that? Are you sure? Because I’m totally not falling for that again.

(My mom decides that she doesn’t like the way his wallet looks about every three years- right around the time the wallet gets perfectly round and worn in and comfortable to sit on. And then she tries to get me to buy him a new one)

Mom: No. He TOLD me he wants a new wallet.

Me: (totally not buying it) Put Pop on the phone

Pop: Hey kiddo

Me: Hey Pop. What do you want for Xmas? Mom said you wanted a new wallet.

Pop: I thought you were getting me that watch. I never told her that. I don’t need a new wallet. This one is just worn in the way I like it.

Me: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Is there anything else you might like to have?

Pop: What?

Me: (louder) Is there anything else you might like to have?

Pop: Uh…no. I don’t need anything else.

Me: Are you sure?

Pop: What?

Me: (louder) How about some liquor?

Pop: Oh, I don’t need that.

Me: Hookers?

Pop: What?

Me: (louder) Slippers?

Pop: I said I don’t need liquor!

Me: (louder) For your feet!

Pop: Now why the hell would I need liquor for my feet??!!??

Me: Hahahahahahaha. (loud) Slippers Dad! Slippers! Are you wearing your hearing aid?

Pop: Oh! Haha. No, I don’t need any of those either. I don’t like to put the phone next to the hearing aid. Let me think about what else I might want.

Me: Okay Pop. Think about it. Put Mom back on.

Mom: He TOLD me he wanted a new wallet. He just forgot.

Me: I’m not getting him a wallet. Think of something else.

Family. Gotta love em because it’s totally illegal to sell them on ebay.

Posted in Family Matters | 3 Comments »

A meme is too a post

November 20th, 2006 by Wen

if my life were a soundtrack

A music meme
Here’s what you do:1. Open your music library
2. Set settings to “Shuffle”
3. Press play
4. For each entry, type the song that’s playing
5. For new entry, press the next/forward button
opening credits: Radio Free Europe R.E.M.

um. Okay. Not Bad.

first day at school: Dead Man Walking Bruce Springsteen

Who didn’t feel that way?

falling in love: Caroline Concrete Blonde

This is not the song that I had in mind for falling in love…

breaking up: I’ve Had Enough The Who

Appropriate.

prom: Bears Lyle Lovett

Huh?

life’s okay: Contact The Police

I guess it fits, but then the Police fit almost anything

mental breakdown: Complete Control The Clash

I see we’ve gotten to the irony portion of the list

driving: An Architect’s Dream Kate Bush

It pretty. Nice to drive to.

flashback: Is this Love? Bob Marley & The Wailers

If by flashback you mean high school and by high school you mean “smoke pot and listen to Legend like it’s your job” then this is dead on.

getting back together: Aloysius The Cocteau Twins

The whole Treasure album is a soundtrack me getting back together (and breaking up and getting back together) with someone. Freaky.

wedding: Bye Bye Baby Janis Joplin

Well, I did just sign my divorce papers last month. Bye bye husband!

birth of child: My Weakness Moby

Um. ooookay.

final battle: Guns of Navarone Specials AKA

Great title for the final battle.

funeral song:Powder Your Face With Sunshine Dean Martin

Hell yeah! If they don’t play this at my funeral then I am coming back to haunt people.

end credits: Thunderstruck AC/DC

Dude! Who doesn’t want Thunderstruck for their end credits?

Am I the only one whose iPod has a sense of humor? Or moods? Because seriously there are some days where it freaks me right the hell out when it plays a bunch of songs that would be the best play list in the world.

Posted in Drawer of mystery | No Comments »

Break Out Your Rapture Pants

November 8th, 2006 by Wen

I wish I could say I wrote this, but I didn’t. I lifted it from stitchnsue who got it from her brother-in-law….

AAaaahhh, what a beautiful day to wake up a democrat.

Sun is shining, projected 80 degrees today, gentle winds, the birds are chirping, flowers are blooming….and what is that smell?? Is that… FREEDOM?

Ah, I love the smell of freedom in the morning.

What’s in it for you republicans? Well, let me tell you…historically speaking the stock market has always done much better when congress and senate gridlocked the Prez. Something about stability.

First on the agenda: Immediate surrender to the terrorists and Iraq. Then we’ll look into mandatory gay marriages for all.

From there, we’ll push on to teaching evolution to all the newly pregnant schoolchildren after doubling the tax they pay on their school lunches.

Break out your rapture pants, the dems are in control!!!

Posted in Drawer of mystery | 3 Comments »

Count Sophula

November 1st, 2006 by Wen

Halloween around here is pretty sad. There’s no children who are brave enough to come knock on the door of my scary apartment building.

In fact I only had one trick or treater…

I gave her the entire bag of chocolate.

Posted in Squee! | 1 Comment »

Enough

October 30th, 2006 by Wen

Well, it’s mercury retrograde again. And? My friend Chris is coming over to either tell me my desktop needs another new hard drive (replaced during the last retrograde) or I’m completely screwed and need a new desktop altogether.

And my cell phone keeps turing itself off even though it has a complete charge.

GAH!

Posted in WP, XP, and other things that vex me | 1 Comment »

One of those days, part duh

October 22nd, 2006 by Wen

For the second time in four days I’m waiting for MBZ roadside assistance to come and bail me out.

This time? The valet guy turned my lights from “automatic” to “on”. Since it takes a minute or two for the lights to swtich off by themselves in the automatic mode I had no idea when I walked away that I would be totally screwed come morning.
Luckily this won’t be another two hour wait. The guy just called and he’s 5 minutes away.

I have composed a memo in the meantime:

Dear Valet Jackhole:

When I hand over my keys next time please do me a favor and just turn the car off or on. Don’t move the seat and screw up the memory for where the seat is supposed to be. Don’t move the rear view mirror, and please don’t change the radio station to some thumping rap music and then turn the radio off so that I get a “nice” suprize when I turn it back on. You’re only in the car for a minute or two. Do you really need a soundtrack to park? Also, don’t help yourself to the change in the ashtray, you’re going to get a tip that’s bigger then 4 quarters, two dimes, and 4 pennies in there. And for fuckssakes don’t turn the lights off. The car is smarter than you and I combined. It’ll do the rest.

In the meantime, I want my $2 tip back.

Posted in Cranky McSnarkypants | 3 Comments »

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