Mercury Rising
July 9th, 2006 by Wen
And? Going backwards. Get ready for the whine/snarkfest my lovelies. And you thought you missed me. Awwwww!
It’s been hot as hell here the past few weeks. Which means that I have been particularly cranky since I only have air-conditioning in my bedroom. Also, my back decided not to play nice with me. That makes me cranky until the drugs set in- then I just pass out. Plus Mercury turned retrograde on the 4th which has turned all manner of mechanical things to shit at my house. And then? Oh just some crazy ass monthly hormones totally out of whack. Oh, and I decided not to go back to the TV show I was working on and whining about all last year. And then there are the spiders…
It’s memo time again!
Dear Sun/ Global Warming Fairy (or Al Gore for short)
So this thing people call “Summer”? Yeah, not really digging it. Especially this year. See usually you kind of hide out for the month of June behind your friend and mine “Coastal Eddy” (who, by the way, I think might be gay. I mean Eddy with a “y”? Totally swish if you ask me.) Anyway, I love Eddy way more than most people who live in California. While everyone is complaining that there is no sun (which, hello? We haven’t plunged into total darkness have we?) I am happily going about my business of not getting hot, sweaty, or sunburned. My apartment is cool, I don’t need air conditioning and my skin is happy. All is good and right in my little corner of the world.
This year? Yeah, whatever Sun. Did you and Eddy have a fight or something? Because 17 kabillion days of triple digit temperatures is really a little too dramatic even for my tastes, and I work with actors. There are more fans than there are people in this house. Just do everyone a favor and kiss and make up with Eddy and everyone will be happy.
Thanks.
To: Mercury Retrograde
Fr: Me
Re: Knock it off
Listen Mercury, every time you decide to back-pedal it costs me money. Since I am unemployed now is really NOT a good time for you to decide that I need a new hard drive AND a new dsl modem. Seriously, that is enough. I can’t afford your wishy washy forward/back crap any more. No more wrecking havoc with my computer, phone, car, employment prospects, etc. I mean it.
To: My lower back
Fr: The rest of me
Re: You knock it off too
Ok. Are you feeling ignored? I’m really sorry. While I was going about, oh… MY LIFE, you decided to get all uppity and start hurting again. I am on to your little attention getting ploy. I have two words for you: Vicodin and Flexeril. Oh, and bed rest. Okay. Four words, but you get the picture, right? You play nice and I’ll play nice and then we can avoid that one word that neither one of really wants- surgery.
To: My Crazy Ass hormones
Fr: You know who
I give up. You win. Now let me go back to being just slightly crazy, not foaming at the mouth deranged. Let’s just agree to disagree, and I’ll try not to scare my boyfriend once a month.
To: All the spiders in the world
Fr: Julie McCoy, your cruise director
Hello and welcome to Spider Fun Fest 2006. I trust you’ve all come here for a fabulous vacation. As you can see there are many nooks and crannies for you to rest your weary 8 legged freaky bodies. Oops, I mean tired bodies.
There are many activities for your enjoyment including a web building competition, base jumping, and for you althletic gamblers there is a daily race of “out run the giant”. Be careful with that one folks, as the giant is fast and is known to kill her opponents when she catches them. There are other dangers to be aware of besides the giant- once a week there is another giant who comes over and employs all manner of tortuous devices including the broom, the swiffer, and the dreaded vacuum. However, since this “giant” is very small compared to the other giants that occupy the house just be sure to hang out high up and she’ll never see you. We’re calling this tour, “Fascinating Human Safari”.
The pool is working this year, but as with last year please note that the giant drains it from time to time. If you see a large shadow looming over the pool that’s your cue to get out. The unexplained pool draining can be a bit frightening, but we here at Spider Vacations feel there’s nothing better than a dip in a pool of fresh clean water. Viewing of the Coriolis effect is free.
The food this year is as fantastic as it was last year! With the early heat this year there’s a new crop of fruit flies that are begging you to snatch them up and dig in. For the more adventurous of you there’s nighttime big game hunting in the dark and cool chamber just off the pool area. Only serious athletes need apply for this hunt, as there’s a treacherous climb and a long trek before we reach the summit of Sleeping Apartment Giant. However, victory IS sweet when you reach the summit to dine on the delicious nectar the giant provides. There’s plenty for everyone so come on and sign up!
Please remember to turn in your next of kin notification cards before getting started, and remember to have fun!
There is also some news on the job front. I turned down going back to “Close to Home” (so you can stop watching now). They killed off one the characters in the show on the season finale (her husband) and they’re not bringing back the actor who played their boss. Since these were my main two actors that I worked on there was really no reason for me to go back besides paying bills. I decided to cast my fortunes to the winds and see what came up. As far as I know I will be going on to another show. A much bigger show… with, um some doctors who are McPopular. Anyway, if I do get that show I’ll be the third (which is much better for my social life) but it starts in a week and we’ll see…
Is that network better to work for than the other network? Would you get to work with Darby Crash on that new show?
It’s interesting, about who they cut on CTH, since that actor was the one really interesting choice they made and I might not watch it without him anyway…
Poor Christian. Always leaving his shows by getting killed off. (Although, in all fairness Angel was ending, anyway. But still…)
I guess I didn’t realize about Mercury, but now it all makes sense. Somebody needs to go and have a chat with our Sun and 1st planet, because obviously they think they can do whatever they want. No supervision in the center of our solar system, that’s the problem. We never have any trouble from Pluto or Uranus.
(Tee hee! I said, “Uranus!”)
I hope your back feels better soon. And the hormones subside. And the universe straightens itself out.
Itsy-piders are notoriously clever when it comes to terrorizing humans. They don’t like the heat, either, so they come in to enjoy the a/c. In the winter, they come in from the cold to aid their rheumatoid arthritis (because they have lots more knees than we do). Little do they know, I have a cat that eats itsy-piders and a husband that knows the real reason I married him is to kill spiders for me.
Sorry about your back, and the sun and the fight God had with Eddy. Hope that all clears up very soon.