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Here is the email I sent to someone after I got home tonight:

Oh man. After the day I had I’m not sure I’m driving anywhere ever again.

Here is the jist of my day:

12pm-Drive 101 to 60 to 710. Run over something on 710. Hear tire go “flap flap flap” Use many cuss words, get off freeway in South Gate (which was shortened from “Just south the gates of hell” from the Old Germanic also meaning “ghetto”)

Drive two more miles to find an appropriate, less kill-y, skanky, robbery, type place to stop my car. Stop car, reach into purse for cell phone. Reach into purse for cell phone. REACH INTO PURSE FOR CELL PHONE. Dump purse on seat. No cell phone. Spy pay phone right near car, pick all loose change off front seat and get out of car to call 1- boyfriend 2- Mercedes Benz roadside assistance.

Boyfriend offers to come get me (sweet boy), decide that won’t fix flat. Call MBZ talk to nice lady, tell her : “FLAT! BAD AREA! HELP!” Lady gets my location tells me Guy will be there 35-45 minutes. Thank lady. Spy Jack in the box across street. Decide low blood sugar not helpful. Go get fud.

Come back, take all crap out of trunk so guy can change tire without having to touch dead hooker hair crap and many many jackets. Eat greasy crap not from trunk. Wait.

And wait. and wait. two hours later. Many phone calls to BF, and a few more to MBZ when Fucker Guy finally shows up. Changes tire. Might still be waiting there for a tip. Drive to Irvine to drop off shears. Then onto MBZ dealer in Newport Beach to get new tire.

Told an hour and a half. Decide it’s fine because now totally screwed for traffic anyway. Decide to get pedicure from lady in MBZ dealership (this is a nice perk). Lady is old friend I used to work with. Get two hour pedi. Catch up with old friend. Calm down.

Get car- pay $360 for car wash tire- drive home, get caught in dead stop traffic on 710 in the exact same spot. Decide god hates me for driving to Orange County keeping blocking wires. Tell god that he can suck it, probably won’t drive to Orange County ever again still keeping the wires. Finally get home at 8.30.

I thought this movie was the worst movie I ever worked on. Or maybe this one. Or this one, or even this one.

But I just got this movie in the mail and Oh. My. God.

WORST. MOVIE. EVER.

Which is too bad, because this movie was really fun to make. Well, aside from the shitty pay, crappy food, and no sleep. Jason was a blast to work with. And we laughed our asses off on set the whole time we were shooting it. I guess the director thought this movie wasn’t supposed to be a comedy. Because he took all the laughs out of it, which was the only thing saving the film in the first place.

Don’t believe me? Go rent it and get back to me.

YAY! Pete fixed Hairburner AND designed the look of the site and made all pretty and nice! Pete is awesome and you should go and tell him I said so. He did the same thing for
slowknitter too!

THANKS PETE!!

No. Seriously. I like the idea of having my own site, but this has been way more work than I have time for.

Okay, so this is up. But… I need to change the theme, and figure out how to post photos and other crap.

The best conversations can be had in my living room:

Heather: What do you think of the new movie with Marky Mark?

J: I’m not so much on Marky Mark… Even though I liked him in Boogie Nights.

Heather: Is it because of the Funky Bunch?

J: No, it wasn’t the Funky Bunch. I have no problem with the Funky Bunch. I like the Funky Bunch.

Heather: That’s good, because dude? It’s the Funky Bunch.

Wait, wait. Hang on!

What’s the matter?

I’ve got to set something down.
I’ve got a beer in my hand and I can’t multi-task.

Right now I am waiting for the guy to come and install the window air-conditioner in my living room. It is 8.43pm. Yes, that’s right. 8.43 P to the motherfucking M. He first came by at 5pm (was supposed to be here at 4pm) Looked at my window and decided that he needed to go get wood to block out the rest of the open window. And said he would be back at 7. Then he called at 7.45 and said he was 20 minutes away. My favorite was the first conversation when he was here the first time…

Guy: I really wish you had told me about this

Me: Well I did tell you about it. On the voice mail that you requested I leave with my address. I even told you the dimensions of the window.

Guy: I didn’t hear that part.

Me: Well, I figured that when you called me and asked for the address and directions a third time.

Anyway…this is very annoying. I just called him and told him to come tomorrow afternoon. Because it’s just a little too dark to be installing an air-conditioner at 9 o’clock at night.

Also, can someone tell me why bill collectors are calling my phone for the guy who lives upstairs? Weird.

So I started working yesterday on this show. I had a fun, but kind of boring day. They were running really far behind so the actress they gave me was a tiny bit tired (she looks amazing. And she is 72!) But everyone was really nice, actors and crew. I think I’m gonna like it here.

Oh. Please don’t name the show if you comment. And yes, I read the script. Yes I know what happens. And no, I will not tell you. Not here, not in an email, not by smoke rings. I don’t watch the damn show (though now I guess I kinda have to) but you don’t want me to spoil the surprize and I don’t want to get fired for breaking the confidentiality agreement I signed. Don’t ass-k.

I should have been at work today, but before I knew the schedule I booked a photo shoot with this guy . So rather than be on a nice cold sound stage I packed my crap up and went to work in a hot and insanely sweaty loft in downtown LA. (Those two words -”downtown loft” -pretty much automatically mean “no air conditioning” in the hot, humid summer. They may sound “cool”, but there is no way to look cool when sweat is running down your face).

Because JCL and I work in film and TV we both showed up early. I know it takes me an hour to trim his hair, put the wig on, and do his makeup. An hour. No getting around it, an hour. JCL had told the photographer this, but I guess he didn’t believe either one of us because he was shooting some chick when I got there (actually she was still in makeup when I got there). I put my things down, went outside to find JCL, hopped in his car and we hightailed it to the 7-11 for drinks.

Let me just say right here that I fucking love slurpees. LOVE them. A few years back they even had a Vanilla Coke slurpee and I bought one everyday on the way home from the hellish movie I was making. I love the icy, fizzy, a little too much syrup-y goodness. I don’t frequent 7-11’s as a rule, but if it’s hella hot and I’m passing a Sev, then it is so on.

Anyway, I got my coke slurpee and then had to literally push my way through the family reunion that was happening outside the front door. Seriously, it was like a Garcia family field trip. I know it was one family because I saw them all pile back into a van as we were trying to back out.

Back to the studio where the bitchy little makeup artist was finally out of my way. I think she was kinda pissed that she wasn’t going to be doing his makeup. I remember when I was first getting started and I would do makeup/hair for head shot photographers. You don’t get a ton of money for that sort of thing, so quantity is kinda important. The shooter was a pretty nice guy, but he had no clue about who JCL was. This isn’t necessarily important except when you are trying to get to know your subject so you can shoot them in looks that are geared for what kind of roles they go out for. Anyway, here’s the conversation between the two fo them:

Photog: So what kind of look are you going for? Do you do films? Commercials?
JCL: I don’t do commercials, and I’ve been in about 40 films.
Photog: Really? Wow. What films?
JCL: Well, I was in _____ and _____.
Photog: Sorry. Didn’t see them. What about TV? What kinds of characters do you play? Dads or serial killers?
Me: He plays dads and serial killers.
JCL: And cross-dressers
Me: and cross-dressers!
JCL: I was a series regular last year on Close to Home. (off photog’s confused look) Did you ever see “Fargo” I played Frances McDormand’s husband.
Photog: Oh yeah…

Me: I love you Margie.

By the way, I totally said that for Mommylap.

Okay, now I don’t know where I am going with this. How was your day?

Ok. It wasn’t really 118 in the valley today. My car just thought it felt like it. I melted anyway.

Also, do you think it’s too soon to start “discussing” where we’re going to spend Christmas this year?